The Stories That Wait for Us

Content note: Depression and anxiety

Well, it's been a while.

I could tell you I've spent the last few months locked away in a room, furiously working on my next novel, surrounded by handwritten notes and empty coffee cups. It would certainly sound more impressive.

The truth is a little less romantic.

Depression and anxiety happened. Or, more accurately, they were already there, and for a while, they were making themselves entirely too comfortable.

I've never particularly understood why we're expected to tiptoe around those words. Depression and anxiety are real. They're common. And they don't always look like what people expect.

For me, there were evenings when I finished work and wanted nothing more than to lie in a dark room. Not because I'd lost interest in writing or stopped caring about the worlds I have created, but because I simply did not have anything left to give them.

It's difficult to be creative when even the ordinary parts of life feel exhausting.

Thankfully, I'm doing much better now. Getting my medication where it needed to be has made a meaningful difference, and I've been putting more effort into taking care of myself.

Of course, life apparently decided that feeling better was an excellent opportunity to introduce a few new challenges.

The past month has brought some unexpected changes in my professional life, including a fairly substantial blow to my confidence. I've spent a lot of time trying to keep up with responsibilities, finish projects, and give my best effort on days when my enthusiasm has been, shall we say, less than inspiring.

And somewhere in all of that, I've been trying to rebuild the little routines that make me feel like myself.

Nothing particularly glamorous. Just ordinary habits that make tomorrow a little easier than today. Things that remind me I can still make choices that are good for me, even when other parts of life feel outside my control.

Which brings me back to writing.

After publishing Daughter of Saltwake, I started working on Book Two. I still love Mira's story, and there is so much more I want to explore in that world. But somewhere along the way, I hit a mental block. The words weren't coming as easily, and I didn't have the energy to wrestle them into place.

So I turned my attention toward another world.

Long before Daughter of Saltwake existed on paper, I'd been building a Dungeons & Dragons campaign. It started as something I wanted to create for friends, but over time, the world grew into something much bigger in my imagination.

There are towns, characters, history, conflicts, and an increasingly unreasonable number of details that probably only I care about.

I love every one of them.

For more than a year, I've found myself wandering through that imaginary world when I needed a break from the real one. Sometimes I'm thinking through a character's motivations. Sometimes I'm imagining what a town might look like, or how one seemingly insignificant decision could change everything. Sometimes I am just drawing maps.

It's a strange thing, having an entire world living inside your head. Stranger still, wanting to put it on paper so someone else can experience it.

To me, writing has always been a way to take something that exists only in my imagination and make it real enough for someone else to step inside.

And even when I wasn't blogging, posting on social media, checking email, or adding words to a manuscript, that part of me never went away.

I was still imagining. I was still building. I just wasn't always writing it down.

I think that's something I've needed to remind myself lately. It's easy to measure creativity by what we've produced. How many words we've written. How many chapters we've finished. How consistently we've shown up.

I'm learning that not everything I create needs to become something I accomplish.

I can enjoy imagining a world without immediately worrying about when I'll finish writing it. Or when I open the laptop next to put a few hours into it. I can work on Book Two when I have the energy to explore where the story goes next. I can spend an evening sketching a map simply to visualize the scenery I've created in my head.

And I can take care of myself without feeling like every moment of rest is time I should have spent being productive.

I don't have it all figured out. My confidence is a work in progress, my routines are still finding their footing, and my writing schedule currently consists of a rather optimistic collection of good intentions.

But I'm feeling better.

I'm making space for the things I enjoy again.

And I'm remembering that the worlds I've created aren't going anywhere just because I need some time away from them.

Mira can wait. Jubilee can wait. The stories will still be there.

For now, I'm just happy to be finding my way back to them.

Note:

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or a mental health crisis, free, confidential support is available 24/7:

• U.S. & Canada - Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (988): Call or text 988 for free, confidential support from trained counselors. (Available in English and Spanish; chat online at 988lifeline.org).

• International Support: If you are outside the United States, you can find a local helpline or support service in your country through Befrienders Worldwide or Find a Helpline.

• Emergency: If you or someone else is in immediate physical danger, call your local emergency number or go to the nearest hospital emergency room.